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'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

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Highly coveted items

Our most sought-after pieces, carefully selected for refiners with exceptional taste and discernment.

coveted
My outie does muscle shows for sure.
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My outie does muscle shows for sure.

🏋️‍♂️ Coveted | Dylan G. Affirmed “My outie does muscle shows for sure.” Introducing the Muscle Shows Mug — a declaration of anatomical excellence and misplaced pride, straight from Dylan G. himself. Whether your outie is sculpted from marble or molded from moderate cardio and good lighting, this mug affirms their status… loudly. Probably too loudly. This vessel radiates bravado, self-assurance, and at least one supplement cycle. Use it to hydrate between reps, hydrate between spreadsheets, or just remind yourself that somewhere out there — your outie absolutely slaps in a tank top. Refined for Bodily Admiration Ideal for innies navigating corporeal mystery and for outies allegedly doing curls in the mirror. Whether you’ve seen the gains or are just choosing to believe, this mug’s for the loyal. And the delusional. Product Features • Glossy ceramic finish — catches the light like a glistening delt. • Available in 11oz and 15oz — sized for protein shakes or quiet denial. • Microwave-safe — for heating up those macro-friendly regrets. • Dishwasher-safe — because hygiene is aesthetic. • Lead and BPA-free — your body is a temple, probably. Care Instructions • Dishwasher safe (top rack recommended) or hand wash. • For best results, flex while holding. • May increase perceived bicep circumference by up to 12% (anecdotally).

$24.99USD

coveted
InniePerks The work is mysterious and important Premium Desk Mat -Black
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InniePerks The work is mysterious and important Premium Desk Mat -Black

🗂️ Primary | Surface Optimization Compliant “The work is mysterious and important.” Introducing the Mysterious & Important Desk Mat — a sanctioned surface interface for those performing duties that may never be fully explained (and should not be questioned). It’s engineered for moments of silent contemplation, panicked typing, and the occasional ergonomic micro-break disguised as “workflow recalibration.” This mat is not a decoration. It’s a boundary. Between chaos and composure. Between the questions and the protocols. Between you… and whatever’s hiding just past the edge of your desk. Refined for the Dutiful Perfect for those who sit too long, scroll too fast, and dream in monochrome. Its cryptic numeric print isn’t decorative — it’s there to remind you something is always being tallied. You may not know what. You may never know. But the mat knows. Product Features • Non-slip neoprene — doesn’t flinch under pressure. • Durable hemmed edges — because fraying is unsightly. • Enigmatic grid system — compliance disguised as curiosity. • One size fits most sanctioned surfaces. • Lead and BPA-free — but let’s not pretend anything is safe. Care Instructions • Spot-clean with warm water and dish soap. • Soft-bristled brush for residue from unauthorized snacks. • Do not spill revelations on this surface. It will absorb them.

$34.99USD

coveted
'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case
View details

'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

🐐 Disciplinary Class | Frippery-Free Certified “We don’t abide such fripperies here.” Introducing the Frippery Prohibition Case — a device shield for those who tread the hallowed corridors of productivity and poise. Featuring the stark silhouette of an internal compliance observer (rumored to be a goat), this case signals to the world that you — unlike certain individuals — do not indulge in idle ornamentation or spontaneous whimsy. Whether you’re answering calls, ignoring texts, or checking for new directives from upper floors, this is the sanctioned shell for your glass rectangle. It won’t make your work easier, but it will make your priorities clear. Engineered for Conformity Ideal for those on the authorized Broadcast Registry, mid-tier protocol auditors, or just anyone who prefers their accessories stripped of joy and distraction. Product Features: • Dual-layer polycarbonate protection – Frippery-resistant, impact-tolerant • Glossy finish – Polished. Like your public demeanor • Precision fit for most iPhone models – But not all. That would be presumptuous • Wireless charging compatibility – Because wires are a luxury • Snap-on installation – No tools, no questions Care Instructions: • Wipe down with a dry cloth. Avoid eye contact with the goat silhouette • Should you notice the phrase subtly changing over time… report to Wellness • Unauthorized customization will trigger Compunction Protocol This isn’t a phone case. It’s a boundary.

$34.99USD

coveted
'Devour feculence.' Mouse Pad
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'Devour feculence.' Mouse Pad

🕳️ Coveted | Slightly Concerning “Devour feculence.” Introducing the Devour Feculence Mouse Pad — a statement of pure, unfiltered compliance. Inspired by the directive once uttered with unsettling calm, this surface is not meant to inspire creativity — it is meant to prepare you. For what? That is above your pay grade. Crafted for those who’ve tasted the brown dust & water mix and whispered, “More.” The silhouette? Familiar. The message? Inevitable. Whether you’re navigating your day job or partaking in unsanctioned broadcasts after hours, this desk companion says, “I’ve accepted my role. Have you?” Installed for Sustained Obedience Perfect for data refinement, digital interface activities, or simply enduring the day in polished silence. This pad is not ergonomic — it is ideological. Product Features • Smooth neoprene surface — cleans easily, stains discreetly • Anti-slip rubber base — because you may try to flee • Premium stitched edges — won’t unravel, unlike you • Subtle yet commanding silhouette — disciplinary-adjacent • Measures 9″ × 7″ — compact enough for clandestine use Care Instructions • Spot clean with warm water and dish soap — no full immersion • Avoid exposing to executive scrutiny • If questioned about the message, say it’s a metaphor

$19.99USD

coveted
'I Am Duly Swamped' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case
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'I Am Duly Swamped' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

“I Am Duly Swamped” Phone Case 🛡️ Protocol Compliant “I am duly swamped.” For the refiner on the move — literally. This premium Tough Magnetic Case is designed to protect your device while signaling your unrelenting schedule. Featuring a high-impact illustration of a certain Broadcast & Heedfulness liaison in mid-frenzied retreat, this case pairs sleek defense with understated urgency. Whether you’re dodging hallway interactions, attending protocol briefings, or simply avoiding eye contact in the elevator, this case keeps your phone safe and your priorities visible. Swamped? Of course you are. But that doesn’t mean your phone should suffer for it. A worthy companion for innies and outies alike — and yes, it’s MagSafe® compliant. Because time is of the essence, and you don’t have a second to fumble. Product Features: •3D Wrap design for full-color, edge-to-edge coverage •Glossy or matte finish — you decide your polish level •TPU silicone inner lining for shock absorption •Rugged, durable shell for real-world protection •Compatible with MagSafe® accessories for fast action Care Instructions: •Wipe clean with a damp cloth (preferably post-shift) •Do not store near Waffle Party documentation

$34.99USD

coveted
No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.
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No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.

No Workplace Shall Be Repurposed for Slumber” Mug 💤 ☕ Coveted | Irving-Approved “No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.” Introducing the “No Workplace Shall Be Repurposed for Slumber” Mug — a quiet yet forceful reminder of corporate discipline. Crafted from high-gloss black ceramic, this mug exudes the quiet authority of Irving himself — structured, composed, and decidedly not prone to rest. The stark white drip pattern cascading down the sides serves as a subtle nod to the creeping encroachment of relaxation — a temptation to be resisted. Ideal for those long days at the office when your eyes grow heavy, but policy remains absolute. Whether you’re battling mid-morning fatigue or the slow march of existential dread, this mug will hold your coffee (and your focus) with steady resolve. Because at InniePerks, we don’t rest — we refine. Product Features: •Forged from high-gloss black ceramic – Channeling Irving’s quiet authority. •Available in two sizes: 11 oz and 15 oz — for varying levels of existential weight. •Microwave-safe – For those sanctioned warm-ups between refining sessions. •Dishwasher-safe – Clean with ease (but never during work hours). •Lead and BPA-free – Because health and compliance matter. Care Instructions: •Dishwasher safe (top rack recommended) or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap. •Do not attempt to sleep on the job — or with this mug. •Avoid spills — Irving would expect nothing less. Secure yours before it slips into the recesses of corporate memory.

$24.99USD

coveted
We don’t abide such fripperies here.
View details

We don’t abide such fripperies here.

🐐 “We don’t abide such fripperies here.” Simple. Bold. Unapologetic. This mug channels the no-nonsense energy of Severance with a clean, black-and-white design featuring the iconic goat silhouette. Sip with purpose — because there’s no room for frills in the refinement process. •Sizes: Available in 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l) — streamlined and efficient •Design: Glossy white ceramic with sharp black printing •Material: Lead and BPA-free, because even refiners need standards •Comfort: C-handle for an ergonomic, steady grip •Care: Microwave and dishwasher-safe — because who has time for hand-washing? ☕️ “Minimalist in design, maximalist in impact.”

$24.99USD

coveted
The Egg Bar is Coveted as Fuck
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The Egg Bar is Coveted as Fuck

🥚 The Egg Bar is Coveted as F*** Start your day with a rare indulgence — the Egg Bar mug, inspired by the most sought-after treat on the severed floor. Designed in rich yellow and crisp white, the true colors of refined breakfast culture, this limited-run mug embodies the elusive allure of the Egg Bar itself. Coveted. Rare. Utterly special. •Available in Two Sizes: 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l) – for those who require different levels of refinement •Material: Glossy ceramic finish for that high-end shine •Design: Bold yellow with white accents, featuring Dylan’s iconic egg bar claim •Comfort: C-handle for a relaxed but confident grip •Care: Microwave and dishwasher safe – because true luxury should be low-maintenance •Safe for Use: BPA and lead-free – because even innies deserve quality assurance 🍳 “Wake up and smell the scramby eggs.”

$24.99USD

coveted
My outie does muscle shows for sure.
View details

My outie does muscle shows for sure.

🏋️‍♂️ Coveted | Dylan G. Affirmed “My outie does muscle shows for sure.” Introducing the Muscle Shows Mug — a declaration of anatomical excellence and misplaced pride, straight from Dylan G. himself. Whether your outie is sculpted from marble or molded from moderate cardio and good lighting, this mug affirms their status… loudly. Probably too loudly. This vessel radiates bravado, self-assurance, and at least one supplement cycle. Use it to hydrate between reps, hydrate between spreadsheets, or just remind yourself that somewhere out there — your outie absolutely slaps in a tank top. Refined for Bodily Admiration Ideal for innies navigating corporeal mystery and for outies allegedly doing curls in the mirror. Whether you’ve seen the gains or are just choosing to believe, this mug’s for the loyal. And the delusional. Product Features • Glossy ceramic finish — catches the light like a glistening delt. • Available in 11oz and 15oz — sized for protein shakes or quiet denial. • Microwave-safe — for heating up those macro-friendly regrets. • Dishwasher-safe — because hygiene is aesthetic. • Lead and BPA-free — your body is a temple, probably. Care Instructions • Dishwasher safe (top rack recommended) or hand wash. • For best results, flex while holding. • May increase perceived bicep circumference by up to 12% (anecdotally).

$24.99USD

coveted
InniePerks The work is mysterious and important Premium Desk Mat -Black
View details

InniePerks The work is mysterious and important Premium Desk Mat -Black

🗂️ Primary | Surface Optimization Compliant “The work is mysterious and important.” Introducing the Mysterious & Important Desk Mat — a sanctioned surface interface for those performing duties that may never be fully explained (and should not be questioned). It’s engineered for moments of silent contemplation, panicked typing, and the occasional ergonomic micro-break disguised as “workflow recalibration.” This mat is not a decoration. It’s a boundary. Between chaos and composure. Between the questions and the protocols. Between you… and whatever’s hiding just past the edge of your desk. Refined for the Dutiful Perfect for those who sit too long, scroll too fast, and dream in monochrome. Its cryptic numeric print isn’t decorative — it’s there to remind you something is always being tallied. You may not know what. You may never know. But the mat knows. Product Features • Non-slip neoprene — doesn’t flinch under pressure. • Durable hemmed edges — because fraying is unsightly. • Enigmatic grid system — compliance disguised as curiosity. • One size fits most sanctioned surfaces. • Lead and BPA-free — but let’s not pretend anything is safe. Care Instructions • Spot-clean with warm water and dish soap. • Soft-bristled brush for residue from unauthorized snacks. • Do not spill revelations on this surface. It will absorb them.

$34.99USD

coveted
'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case
View details

'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

🐐 Disciplinary Class | Frippery-Free Certified “We don’t abide such fripperies here.” Introducing the Frippery Prohibition Case — a device shield for those who tread the hallowed corridors of productivity and poise. Featuring the stark silhouette of an internal compliance observer (rumored to be a goat), this case signals to the world that you — unlike certain individuals — do not indulge in idle ornamentation or spontaneous whimsy. Whether you’re answering calls, ignoring texts, or checking for new directives from upper floors, this is the sanctioned shell for your glass rectangle. It won’t make your work easier, but it will make your priorities clear. Engineered for Conformity Ideal for those on the authorized Broadcast Registry, mid-tier protocol auditors, or just anyone who prefers their accessories stripped of joy and distraction. Product Features: • Dual-layer polycarbonate protection – Frippery-resistant, impact-tolerant • Glossy finish – Polished. Like your public demeanor • Precision fit for most iPhone models – But not all. That would be presumptuous • Wireless charging compatibility – Because wires are a luxury • Snap-on installation – No tools, no questions Care Instructions: • Wipe down with a dry cloth. Avoid eye contact with the goat silhouette • Should you notice the phrase subtly changing over time… report to Wellness • Unauthorized customization will trigger Compunction Protocol This isn’t a phone case. It’s a boundary.

$34.99USD

coveted
'Devour feculence.' Mouse Pad
View details

'Devour feculence.' Mouse Pad

🕳️ Coveted | Slightly Concerning “Devour feculence.” Introducing the Devour Feculence Mouse Pad — a statement of pure, unfiltered compliance. Inspired by the directive once uttered with unsettling calm, this surface is not meant to inspire creativity — it is meant to prepare you. For what? That is above your pay grade. Crafted for those who’ve tasted the brown dust & water mix and whispered, “More.” The silhouette? Familiar. The message? Inevitable. Whether you’re navigating your day job or partaking in unsanctioned broadcasts after hours, this desk companion says, “I’ve accepted my role. Have you?” Installed for Sustained Obedience Perfect for data refinement, digital interface activities, or simply enduring the day in polished silence. This pad is not ergonomic — it is ideological. Product Features • Smooth neoprene surface — cleans easily, stains discreetly • Anti-slip rubber base — because you may try to flee • Premium stitched edges — won’t unravel, unlike you • Subtle yet commanding silhouette — disciplinary-adjacent • Measures 9″ × 7″ — compact enough for clandestine use Care Instructions • Spot clean with warm water and dish soap — no full immersion • Avoid exposing to executive scrutiny • If questioned about the message, say it’s a metaphor

$19.99USD

coveted
'I Am Duly Swamped' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case
View details

'I Am Duly Swamped' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

“I Am Duly Swamped” Phone Case 🛡️ Protocol Compliant “I am duly swamped.” For the refiner on the move — literally. This premium Tough Magnetic Case is designed to protect your device while signaling your unrelenting schedule. Featuring a high-impact illustration of a certain Broadcast & Heedfulness liaison in mid-frenzied retreat, this case pairs sleek defense with understated urgency. Whether you’re dodging hallway interactions, attending protocol briefings, or simply avoiding eye contact in the elevator, this case keeps your phone safe and your priorities visible. Swamped? Of course you are. But that doesn’t mean your phone should suffer for it. A worthy companion for innies and outies alike — and yes, it’s MagSafe® compliant. Because time is of the essence, and you don’t have a second to fumble. Product Features: •3D Wrap design for full-color, edge-to-edge coverage •Glossy or matte finish — you decide your polish level •TPU silicone inner lining for shock absorption •Rugged, durable shell for real-world protection •Compatible with MagSafe® accessories for fast action Care Instructions: •Wipe clean with a damp cloth (preferably post-shift) •Do not store near Waffle Party documentation

$34.99USD

coveted
No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.
View details

No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.

No Workplace Shall Be Repurposed for Slumber” Mug 💤 ☕ Coveted | Irving-Approved “No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.” Introducing the “No Workplace Shall Be Repurposed for Slumber” Mug — a quiet yet forceful reminder of corporate discipline. Crafted from high-gloss black ceramic, this mug exudes the quiet authority of Irving himself — structured, composed, and decidedly not prone to rest. The stark white drip pattern cascading down the sides serves as a subtle nod to the creeping encroachment of relaxation — a temptation to be resisted. Ideal for those long days at the office when your eyes grow heavy, but policy remains absolute. Whether you’re battling mid-morning fatigue or the slow march of existential dread, this mug will hold your coffee (and your focus) with steady resolve. Because at InniePerks, we don’t rest — we refine. Product Features: •Forged from high-gloss black ceramic – Channeling Irving’s quiet authority. •Available in two sizes: 11 oz and 15 oz — for varying levels of existential weight. •Microwave-safe – For those sanctioned warm-ups between refining sessions. •Dishwasher-safe – Clean with ease (but never during work hours). •Lead and BPA-free – Because health and compliance matter. Care Instructions: •Dishwasher safe (top rack recommended) or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap. •Do not attempt to sleep on the job — or with this mug. •Avoid spills — Irving would expect nothing less. Secure yours before it slips into the recesses of corporate memory.

$24.99USD

coveted
We don’t abide such fripperies here.
View details

We don’t abide such fripperies here.

🐐 “We don’t abide such fripperies here.” Simple. Bold. Unapologetic. This mug channels the no-nonsense energy of Severance with a clean, black-and-white design featuring the iconic goat silhouette. Sip with purpose — because there’s no room for frills in the refinement process. •Sizes: Available in 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l) — streamlined and efficient •Design: Glossy white ceramic with sharp black printing •Material: Lead and BPA-free, because even refiners need standards •Comfort: C-handle for an ergonomic, steady grip •Care: Microwave and dishwasher-safe — because who has time for hand-washing? ☕️ “Minimalist in design, maximalist in impact.”

$24.99USD

coveted
The Egg Bar is Coveted as Fuck
View details

The Egg Bar is Coveted as Fuck

🥚 The Egg Bar is Coveted as F*** Start your day with a rare indulgence — the Egg Bar mug, inspired by the most sought-after treat on the severed floor. Designed in rich yellow and crisp white, the true colors of refined breakfast culture, this limited-run mug embodies the elusive allure of the Egg Bar itself. Coveted. Rare. Utterly special. •Available in Two Sizes: 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l) – for those who require different levels of refinement •Material: Glossy ceramic finish for that high-end shine •Design: Bold yellow with white accents, featuring Dylan’s iconic egg bar claim •Comfort: C-handle for a relaxed but confident grip •Care: Microwave and dishwasher safe – because true luxury should be low-maintenance •Safe for Use: BPA and lead-free – because even innies deserve quality assurance 🍳 “Wake up and smell the scramby eggs.”

$24.99USD

coveted
My outie does muscle shows for sure.
View details

My outie does muscle shows for sure.

🏋️‍♂️ Coveted | Dylan G. Affirmed “My outie does muscle shows for sure.” Introducing the Muscle Shows Mug — a declaration of anatomical excellence and misplaced pride, straight from Dylan G. himself. Whether your outie is sculpted from marble or molded from moderate cardio and good lighting, this mug affirms their status… loudly. Probably too loudly. This vessel radiates bravado, self-assurance, and at least one supplement cycle. Use it to hydrate between reps, hydrate between spreadsheets, or just remind yourself that somewhere out there — your outie absolutely slaps in a tank top. Refined for Bodily Admiration Ideal for innies navigating corporeal mystery and for outies allegedly doing curls in the mirror. Whether you’ve seen the gains or are just choosing to believe, this mug’s for the loyal. And the delusional. Product Features • Glossy ceramic finish — catches the light like a glistening delt. • Available in 11oz and 15oz — sized for protein shakes or quiet denial. • Microwave-safe — for heating up those macro-friendly regrets. • Dishwasher-safe — because hygiene is aesthetic. • Lead and BPA-free — your body is a temple, probably. Care Instructions • Dishwasher safe (top rack recommended) or hand wash. • For best results, flex while holding. • May increase perceived bicep circumference by up to 12% (anecdotally).

$24.99USD

coveted
InniePerks The work is mysterious and important Premium Desk Mat -Black
View details

InniePerks The work is mysterious and important Premium Desk Mat -Black

🗂️ Primary | Surface Optimization Compliant “The work is mysterious and important.” Introducing the Mysterious & Important Desk Mat — a sanctioned surface interface for those performing duties that may never be fully explained (and should not be questioned). It’s engineered for moments of silent contemplation, panicked typing, and the occasional ergonomic micro-break disguised as “workflow recalibration.” This mat is not a decoration. It’s a boundary. Between chaos and composure. Between the questions and the protocols. Between you… and whatever’s hiding just past the edge of your desk. Refined for the Dutiful Perfect for those who sit too long, scroll too fast, and dream in monochrome. Its cryptic numeric print isn’t decorative — it’s there to remind you something is always being tallied. You may not know what. You may never know. But the mat knows. Product Features • Non-slip neoprene — doesn’t flinch under pressure. • Durable hemmed edges — because fraying is unsightly. • Enigmatic grid system — compliance disguised as curiosity. • One size fits most sanctioned surfaces. • Lead and BPA-free — but let’s not pretend anything is safe. Care Instructions • Spot-clean with warm water and dish soap. • Soft-bristled brush for residue from unauthorized snacks. • Do not spill revelations on this surface. It will absorb them.

$34.99USD

coveted
'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case
View details

'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

🐐 Disciplinary Class | Frippery-Free Certified “We don’t abide such fripperies here.” Introducing the Frippery Prohibition Case — a device shield for those who tread the hallowed corridors of productivity and poise. Featuring the stark silhouette of an internal compliance observer (rumored to be a goat), this case signals to the world that you — unlike certain individuals — do not indulge in idle ornamentation or spontaneous whimsy. Whether you’re answering calls, ignoring texts, or checking for new directives from upper floors, this is the sanctioned shell for your glass rectangle. It won’t make your work easier, but it will make your priorities clear. Engineered for Conformity Ideal for those on the authorized Broadcast Registry, mid-tier protocol auditors, or just anyone who prefers their accessories stripped of joy and distraction. Product Features: • Dual-layer polycarbonate protection – Frippery-resistant, impact-tolerant • Glossy finish – Polished. Like your public demeanor • Precision fit for most iPhone models – But not all. That would be presumptuous • Wireless charging compatibility – Because wires are a luxury • Snap-on installation – No tools, no questions Care Instructions: • Wipe down with a dry cloth. Avoid eye contact with the goat silhouette • Should you notice the phrase subtly changing over time… report to Wellness • Unauthorized customization will trigger Compunction Protocol This isn’t a phone case. It’s a boundary.

$34.99USD

coveted
'Devour feculence.' Mouse Pad
View details

'Devour feculence.' Mouse Pad

🕳️ Coveted | Slightly Concerning “Devour feculence.” Introducing the Devour Feculence Mouse Pad — a statement of pure, unfiltered compliance. Inspired by the directive once uttered with unsettling calm, this surface is not meant to inspire creativity — it is meant to prepare you. For what? That is above your pay grade. Crafted for those who’ve tasted the brown dust & water mix and whispered, “More.” The silhouette? Familiar. The message? Inevitable. Whether you’re navigating your day job or partaking in unsanctioned broadcasts after hours, this desk companion says, “I’ve accepted my role. Have you?” Installed for Sustained Obedience Perfect for data refinement, digital interface activities, or simply enduring the day in polished silence. This pad is not ergonomic — it is ideological. Product Features • Smooth neoprene surface — cleans easily, stains discreetly • Anti-slip rubber base — because you may try to flee • Premium stitched edges — won’t unravel, unlike you • Subtle yet commanding silhouette — disciplinary-adjacent • Measures 9″ × 7″ — compact enough for clandestine use Care Instructions • Spot clean with warm water and dish soap — no full immersion • Avoid exposing to executive scrutiny • If questioned about the message, say it’s a metaphor

$19.99USD

coveted
'I Am Duly Swamped' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case
View details

'I Am Duly Swamped' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

“I Am Duly Swamped” Phone Case 🛡️ Protocol Compliant “I am duly swamped.” For the refiner on the move — literally. This premium Tough Magnetic Case is designed to protect your device while signaling your unrelenting schedule. Featuring a high-impact illustration of a certain Broadcast & Heedfulness liaison in mid-frenzied retreat, this case pairs sleek defense with understated urgency. Whether you’re dodging hallway interactions, attending protocol briefings, or simply avoiding eye contact in the elevator, this case keeps your phone safe and your priorities visible. Swamped? Of course you are. But that doesn’t mean your phone should suffer for it. A worthy companion for innies and outies alike — and yes, it’s MagSafe® compliant. Because time is of the essence, and you don’t have a second to fumble. Product Features: •3D Wrap design for full-color, edge-to-edge coverage •Glossy or matte finish — you decide your polish level •TPU silicone inner lining for shock absorption •Rugged, durable shell for real-world protection •Compatible with MagSafe® accessories for fast action Care Instructions: •Wipe clean with a damp cloth (preferably post-shift) •Do not store near Waffle Party documentation

$34.99USD

coveted
No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.
View details

No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.

No Workplace Shall Be Repurposed for Slumber” Mug 💤 ☕ Coveted | Irving-Approved “No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.” Introducing the “No Workplace Shall Be Repurposed for Slumber” Mug — a quiet yet forceful reminder of corporate discipline. Crafted from high-gloss black ceramic, this mug exudes the quiet authority of Irving himself — structured, composed, and decidedly not prone to rest. The stark white drip pattern cascading down the sides serves as a subtle nod to the creeping encroachment of relaxation — a temptation to be resisted. Ideal for those long days at the office when your eyes grow heavy, but policy remains absolute. Whether you’re battling mid-morning fatigue or the slow march of existential dread, this mug will hold your coffee (and your focus) with steady resolve. Because at InniePerks, we don’t rest — we refine. Product Features: •Forged from high-gloss black ceramic – Channeling Irving’s quiet authority. •Available in two sizes: 11 oz and 15 oz — for varying levels of existential weight. •Microwave-safe – For those sanctioned warm-ups between refining sessions. •Dishwasher-safe – Clean with ease (but never during work hours). •Lead and BPA-free – Because health and compliance matter. Care Instructions: •Dishwasher safe (top rack recommended) or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap. •Do not attempt to sleep on the job — or with this mug. •Avoid spills — Irving would expect nothing less. Secure yours before it slips into the recesses of corporate memory.

$24.99USD

coveted
We don’t abide such fripperies here.
View details

We don’t abide such fripperies here.

🐐 “We don’t abide such fripperies here.” Simple. Bold. Unapologetic. This mug channels the no-nonsense energy of Severance with a clean, black-and-white design featuring the iconic goat silhouette. Sip with purpose — because there’s no room for frills in the refinement process. •Sizes: Available in 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l) — streamlined and efficient •Design: Glossy white ceramic with sharp black printing •Material: Lead and BPA-free, because even refiners need standards •Comfort: C-handle for an ergonomic, steady grip •Care: Microwave and dishwasher-safe — because who has time for hand-washing? ☕️ “Minimalist in design, maximalist in impact.”

$24.99USD

coveted
The Egg Bar is Coveted as Fuck
View details

The Egg Bar is Coveted as Fuck

🥚 The Egg Bar is Coveted as F*** Start your day with a rare indulgence — the Egg Bar mug, inspired by the most sought-after treat on the severed floor. Designed in rich yellow and crisp white, the true colors of refined breakfast culture, this limited-run mug embodies the elusive allure of the Egg Bar itself. Coveted. Rare. Utterly special. •Available in Two Sizes: 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l) – for those who require different levels of refinement •Material: Glossy ceramic finish for that high-end shine •Design: Bold yellow with white accents, featuring Dylan’s iconic egg bar claim •Comfort: C-handle for a relaxed but confident grip •Care: Microwave and dishwasher safe – because true luxury should be low-maintenance •Safe for Use: BPA and lead-free – because even innies deserve quality assurance 🍳 “Wake up and smell the scramby eggs.”

$24.99USD

Why Choose InniePerks

Features of Distinction

We believe exceptional employees deserve exceptional tools. Each item has been selected to enhance your workspace with understated elegance.

Meticulously crafted

Each item undergoes careful examination. We discard entire batches if we find even a single imperfection.

Quality Assured

Be assured these items meet rigorous standards. All designs are carefully reviewed and selected.

Exquisitely refined

Exceptional refiners deserve equally exceptional perks. We insist you accept only the finest.

Highly coveted collection

Limited quantities ensure your colleagues will silently admire your impeccable taste and discernment.

Effortless procurement

Two simple clicks and the item is yours. We've removed all bureaucratic hindrances for deserving associates.

Carefully curated

Our sophisticated algorithm anticipates your preferences before you're even aware of them. Your data has been meticulously analyzed.

Elevate Your Experience

Each item you acquire improves your refinement metrics. The data doesn't lie. Excellence is our shared expectation.

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Products

Merchandise Assemblages

Peruse our meticulously curated collections, each designed to enhance your daily ritual.

Premium Selection

Our highest quality options for the most discerning employees

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Premium
My outie does muscle shows for sure.
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My outie does muscle shows for sure.

🏋️‍♂️ Coveted | Dylan G. Affirmed “My outie does muscle shows for sure.” Introducing the Muscle Shows Mug — a declaration of anatomical excellence and misplaced pride, straight from Dylan G. himself. Whether your outie is sculpted from marble or molded from moderate cardio and good lighting, this mug affirms their status… loudly. Probably too loudly. This vessel radiates bravado, self-assurance, and at least one supplement cycle. Use it to hydrate between reps, hydrate between spreadsheets, or just remind yourself that somewhere out there — your outie absolutely slaps in a tank top. Refined for Bodily Admiration Ideal for innies navigating corporeal mystery and for outies allegedly doing curls in the mirror. Whether you’ve seen the gains or are just choosing to believe, this mug’s for the loyal. And the delusional. Product Features • Glossy ceramic finish — catches the light like a glistening delt. • Available in 11oz and 15oz — sized for protein shakes or quiet denial. • Microwave-safe — for heating up those macro-friendly regrets. • Dishwasher-safe — because hygiene is aesthetic. • Lead and BPA-free — your body is a temple, probably. Care Instructions • Dishwasher safe (top rack recommended) or hand wash. • For best results, flex while holding. • May increase perceived bicep circumference by up to 12% (anecdotally).

$24.99USD

Premium
InniePerks The work is mysterious and important Premium Desk Mat -Black
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InniePerks The work is mysterious and important Premium Desk Mat -Black

🗂️ Primary | Surface Optimization Compliant “The work is mysterious and important.” Introducing the Mysterious & Important Desk Mat — a sanctioned surface interface for those performing duties that may never be fully explained (and should not be questioned). It’s engineered for moments of silent contemplation, panicked typing, and the occasional ergonomic micro-break disguised as “workflow recalibration.” This mat is not a decoration. It’s a boundary. Between chaos and composure. Between the questions and the protocols. Between you… and whatever’s hiding just past the edge of your desk. Refined for the Dutiful Perfect for those who sit too long, scroll too fast, and dream in monochrome. Its cryptic numeric print isn’t decorative — it’s there to remind you something is always being tallied. You may not know what. You may never know. But the mat knows. Product Features • Non-slip neoprene — doesn’t flinch under pressure. • Durable hemmed edges — because fraying is unsightly. • Enigmatic grid system — compliance disguised as curiosity. • One size fits most sanctioned surfaces. • Lead and BPA-free — but let’s not pretend anything is safe. Care Instructions • Spot-clean with warm water and dish soap. • Soft-bristled brush for residue from unauthorized snacks. • Do not spill revelations on this surface. It will absorb them.

$34.99USD

Wellness Collection

Products designed to optimize your work-life balance

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Wellness
'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case
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'We Don't Abide Such Fripperies Here' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

🐐 Disciplinary Class | Frippery-Free Certified “We don’t abide such fripperies here.” Introducing the Frippery Prohibition Case — a device shield for those who tread the hallowed corridors of productivity and poise. Featuring the stark silhouette of an internal compliance observer (rumored to be a goat), this case signals to the world that you — unlike certain individuals — do not indulge in idle ornamentation or spontaneous whimsy. Whether you’re answering calls, ignoring texts, or checking for new directives from upper floors, this is the sanctioned shell for your glass rectangle. It won’t make your work easier, but it will make your priorities clear. Engineered for Conformity Ideal for those on the authorized Broadcast Registry, mid-tier protocol auditors, or just anyone who prefers their accessories stripped of joy and distraction. Product Features: • Dual-layer polycarbonate protection – Frippery-resistant, impact-tolerant • Glossy finish – Polished. Like your public demeanor • Precision fit for most iPhone models – But not all. That would be presumptuous • Wireless charging compatibility – Because wires are a luxury • Snap-on installation – No tools, no questions Care Instructions: • Wipe down with a dry cloth. Avoid eye contact with the goat silhouette • Should you notice the phrase subtly changing over time… report to Wellness • Unauthorized customization will trigger Compunction Protocol This isn’t a phone case. It’s a boundary.

$34.99USD

Wellness
'Devour feculence.' Mouse Pad
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'Devour feculence.' Mouse Pad

🕳️ Coveted | Slightly Concerning “Devour feculence.” Introducing the Devour Feculence Mouse Pad — a statement of pure, unfiltered compliance. Inspired by the directive once uttered with unsettling calm, this surface is not meant to inspire creativity — it is meant to prepare you. For what? That is above your pay grade. Crafted for those who’ve tasted the brown dust & water mix and whispered, “More.” The silhouette? Familiar. The message? Inevitable. Whether you’re navigating your day job or partaking in unsanctioned broadcasts after hours, this desk companion says, “I’ve accepted my role. Have you?” Installed for Sustained Obedience Perfect for data refinement, digital interface activities, or simply enduring the day in polished silence. This pad is not ergonomic — it is ideological. Product Features • Smooth neoprene surface — cleans easily, stains discreetly • Anti-slip rubber base — because you may try to flee • Premium stitched edges — won’t unravel, unlike you • Subtle yet commanding silhouette — disciplinary-adjacent • Measures 9″ × 7″ — compact enough for clandestine use Care Instructions • Spot clean with warm water and dish soap — no full immersion • Avoid exposing to executive scrutiny • If questioned about the message, say it’s a metaphor

$19.99USD

Essential Merchandise

Fundamental items for your daily work routine

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Essential
'I Am Duly Swamped' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case
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'I Am Duly Swamped' Magnetic Rugged Innie Grip Case

“I Am Duly Swamped” Phone Case 🛡️ Protocol Compliant “I am duly swamped.” For the refiner on the move — literally. This premium Tough Magnetic Case is designed to protect your device while signaling your unrelenting schedule. Featuring a high-impact illustration of a certain Broadcast & Heedfulness liaison in mid-frenzied retreat, this case pairs sleek defense with understated urgency. Whether you’re dodging hallway interactions, attending protocol briefings, or simply avoiding eye contact in the elevator, this case keeps your phone safe and your priorities visible. Swamped? Of course you are. But that doesn’t mean your phone should suffer for it. A worthy companion for innies and outies alike — and yes, it’s MagSafe® compliant. Because time is of the essence, and you don’t have a second to fumble. Product Features: •3D Wrap design for full-color, edge-to-edge coverage •Glossy or matte finish — you decide your polish level •TPU silicone inner lining for shock absorption •Rugged, durable shell for real-world protection •Compatible with MagSafe® accessories for fast action Care Instructions: •Wipe clean with a damp cloth (preferably post-shift) •Do not store near Waffle Party documentation

$34.99USD

Essential
No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.
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No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.

No Workplace Shall Be Repurposed for Slumber” Mug 💤 ☕ Coveted | Irving-Approved “No workplace shall be repurposed for slumber.” Introducing the “No Workplace Shall Be Repurposed for Slumber” Mug — a quiet yet forceful reminder of corporate discipline. Crafted from high-gloss black ceramic, this mug exudes the quiet authority of Irving himself — structured, composed, and decidedly not prone to rest. The stark white drip pattern cascading down the sides serves as a subtle nod to the creeping encroachment of relaxation — a temptation to be resisted. Ideal for those long days at the office when your eyes grow heavy, but policy remains absolute. Whether you’re battling mid-morning fatigue or the slow march of existential dread, this mug will hold your coffee (and your focus) with steady resolve. Because at InniePerks, we don’t rest — we refine. Product Features: •Forged from high-gloss black ceramic – Channeling Irving’s quiet authority. •Available in two sizes: 11 oz and 15 oz — for varying levels of existential weight. •Microwave-safe – For those sanctioned warm-ups between refining sessions. •Dishwasher-safe – Clean with ease (but never during work hours). •Lead and BPA-free – Because health and compliance matter. Care Instructions: •Dishwasher safe (top rack recommended) or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap. •Do not attempt to sleep on the job — or with this mug. •Avoid spills — Irving would expect nothing less. Secure yours before it slips into the recesses of corporate memory.

$24.99USD

Essential
We don’t abide such fripperies here.
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We don’t abide such fripperies here.

🐐 “We don’t abide such fripperies here.” Simple. Bold. Unapologetic. This mug channels the no-nonsense energy of Severance with a clean, black-and-white design featuring the iconic goat silhouette. Sip with purpose — because there’s no room for frills in the refinement process. •Sizes: Available in 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l) — streamlined and efficient •Design: Glossy white ceramic with sharp black printing •Material: Lead and BPA-free, because even refiners need standards •Comfort: C-handle for an ergonomic, steady grip •Care: Microwave and dishwasher-safe — because who has time for hand-washing? ☕️ “Minimalist in design, maximalist in impact.”

$24.99USD

Essential
The Egg Bar is Coveted as Fuck
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The Egg Bar is Coveted as Fuck

🥚 The Egg Bar is Coveted as F*** Start your day with a rare indulgence — the Egg Bar mug, inspired by the most sought-after treat on the severed floor. Designed in rich yellow and crisp white, the true colors of refined breakfast culture, this limited-run mug embodies the elusive allure of the Egg Bar itself. Coveted. Rare. Utterly special. •Available in Two Sizes: 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l) – for those who require different levels of refinement •Material: Glossy ceramic finish for that high-end shine •Design: Bold yellow with white accents, featuring Dylan’s iconic egg bar claim •Comfort: C-handle for a relaxed but confident grip •Care: Microwave and dishwasher safe – because true luxury should be low-maintenance •Safe for Use: BPA and lead-free – because even innies deserve quality assurance 🍳 “Wake up and smell the scramby eggs.”

$24.99USD

The Egg Bar is Coveted as F*** - Premium InniePerks Mug

The Egg Bar is Coveted as F***

Our most sought-after item from the refined collection

About InniePerks

At InniePerks, we're dedicated to providing our team members with exquisitely crafted items that commemorate their exemplary service and commitment to excellence.

Each item in our collection is meticulously designed to meet the refined standards expected by our severed employees, creating a sense of belonging and unity across departments.

While many see these as mere objects, we recognize them as powerful symbols of distinction—tangible reminders of the privilege of serving such an esteemed organization.

Learn More About Us

Impeccable Quality

Crafted to the highest standards worthy of your dedication

Refined Selection

Curated items that reflect our organizational values

Meaningful Recognition

Symbols of acknowledgment for exemplary service

Shared Identity

Connecting all departments through common symbols

LEARN MORE ABOUT US
Departmental Accolades

Departmental Certifications

Our merchandise has been rigorously vetted and designed for the most discerning departments

MR

Macrodata Refinement

Est. 2022

Recognized for excellence in data processing and refinement standards

O&

Optics & Design

Est. 2021

Recognized for exceptional standards in visual fidelity and perception

M&

Mind & Security

Est. 2023

Commended for adherence to cognitive security protocols

R&

Research & Development

Est. 2022

Acclaimed for innovation in merchandise development

B&W ∙ BEAN & WATER DEPT
Coming Soon

BEAN

& WATER

Our bean and water dept. has developed a proprietary neural enhancement formula. Drink to improve perception and cognitive fidelity. Department-issued for refiners who exceed expectations.

AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY · INTERNAL USE ONLY · MDR 7327.4A

Uncompromising Quality, Mandated Satisfaction.

At InniePerks, mediocrity is grounds for immediate reassignment. We adhere to the strictest standards for materials and craftsmanship.

Premium Materials

Utilizing only high-grade ceramics and durable components for superior longevity.

Rigorous Standards

Each perk undergoes meticulous inspection to meet our exacting specifications.

Enduring Construction

Engineered to withstand the daily corporate grind and countless refills.

Contentment Assured

Your satisfaction is not merely requested; it is mandated. We guarantee it.